Should daughter make amends?
Question: My father divorced and remarried, and, as a result, my husband and I didn’t have a good relationship with him. We are devout Catholics, and we don’t agree with divorce and remarriage. The family contacted me one day prior to hospice coming in, and then he passed away the next day. It left me no time to make arrangements and feeling guilty even though my father and I did not speak. I just found out from the newspaper that the funeral is tomorrow. Being that my husband just had surgery, I cannot attend his funeral. Should I feel guilty?
Answer: First, our sympathies. Second, we can’t tell you if you should feel guilty or not — but we can offer this little tidbit to think about. The one you chose not to get along with has passed. Your other family members remain. The choices you make now will impact the relationship you have with them — not with your dad. So, the statement you make by not attending your father’s funeral is not to the man with whom you had issues, but to the family that remains. All guilt aside, you have to ask yourself if that is the statement you want to make. How will your decision not to attend the funeral affect your relationships with other family members?
There are 10 rules of Good Ex-Etiquette. There isn’t room to list them all here, but you can find them in our book Ex-Etiquette for Parents and on the Bonus Families Web site. We can tell you that Ex-Etiquette Rule No. 6 is “Don’t Hold Grudges.” Continuing to be angry with your father even in his death is your choice. If you continue acting in this manner, however, it’s a sure bet that this will not be the last time you will be faced with feeling guilty. With this in mind, if your husband cannot be left alone after surgery and the funeral is not too far away, we suggest you hire a nurse for a few hours and attend the funeral. It’s the first step to healing wounded relationships in your family.
You implied that the reason for being distant from your father was based on your religious beliefs about divorce and remarriage. We wouldn’t be as presumptuous as to second-guess anyone’s religious beliefs, but if your church’s beliefs are really why you were estranged from your dad the last two years of his life and are at the root of your not attending his funeral, we suggest you look to your priest for direction. Because, you see, we don’t believe the real issue here is nonacceptance of divorce and remarriage. The real issue at this point is forgiveness, on all sorts of levels, and that’s where your priest can help you.
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Ex-Etiquette is written by Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A., and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe. They are the authors of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation.