Ex-etiquette
Question: My husband and I are trying to coordinate efforts with my husband’s ex for the sake of the kids. All was going well until his ex started talking about how things used to be.
“Remember when we used to go to the lake and how much the kids just loved to make snow angels?”
That’s not fair! Now I don’t want to cooperate with her at all. Do you think she’s doing it on purpose?
Answer: Maybe. Perhaps she’s just not sure of the boundaries and lost her senses. Consider it an “Oh, I wish I hadn’t said that” moment.
For the record, the children are your mutual interest and why you’re having a discussion in the first place. Therefore, discussing the kids is fine, and at first glance, that is what she was discussing.
But after more careful examination, what she did was point out how it used to be, and that’s not playing fair — especially since it’s not all true.
Yes, it used to be like that, but it also got so bad that there was a divorce, so it’s best to stay in the present and just discuss what needs to be decided now. What’s that? Where the kids will be, what time they will be picked up and how you will coordinate efforts when buying them Christmas presents. Perhaps who is going with them to buy presents for their friends, teacher and other relatives might also be on the agenda.
If your goal is to get along for the sake of the children, you leave the “remember whens” in the past and put your emphasis on the present and future.
You do what you have to do to get along. If trips down memory lane don’t help you meet that goal, they are not necessary.