Ex-etiquette
Question: My girls are 7 and 8 years old. Their dad and I have been divorced for five years. We are now both happily remarried. Their father is a policeman and has inconsistent hours. This is disruptive to the girls' schedules. What is more important: Their dad having them when he can, or the stability of knowing where they are going to be during the week? I need help!
McClatchy-Tribune
Answer: May we choose both, because that's the answer. And because that's the answer, it reinforces the need to be able to talk to your ex using your kids as the measure for making good decisions.
You may think that is exactly what you are doing, looking at what's best for them because you're concerned about inconsistency. But in truth, what's disruptive to your daughters' schedule isn't their father's inconsistent hours; it's their father's inconsistent hours in conjunction with the decision to divorce.
So, take a deep breath – and we know when you don't get along with someone how everything that person does or says looks like a reason not to cooperate – but unless he just recently changed employment, which you say he has not, he's always had inconsistent hours.
Make sure that your frustrations now aren't just old tapes playing in your head. Did you hate his hours when you were married? If you did, you're probably even more frustrated with his schedule now. Be careful that old frustrations aren't interfering with your ability to look for possible solutions.
What does all this mean to you specifically? If you don't want to fight it out in court, it means you may both have to make concessions. Dad may have to admit that his inconsistent hours make it difficult on the girls and look for a more flexible visitation schedule. It could also mean that you may have to become more cordial with his new wife so that you can better coordinate efforts when scheduling time with the girls. It means you may all do something that you don't want to do to make it easier on the kids.
Look at the problem at face value. Is there a way with what is before you to arrange things so that all are comfortable with the visitation schedule? Could he possibly cut down on overtime? Could you possibly be more flexible? Could his wife possibly car-pool to fill in? What about your husband? It's not you against the girls' dad. It's all of you for the kids. Among four adults, we think you'll be able to find the solution.